it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
