My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
