Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
