So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
