whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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