kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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