Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
