I need to stop coming to work sober
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
