i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I supernannyed him into submission
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
