he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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