maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
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The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
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Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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