I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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