dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
