Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
