In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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