we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
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Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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