it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We need to get me chipped asap
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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