Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize