Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
