I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
