Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
