don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
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