Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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