why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
How's work?
Spinning.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
