Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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