i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....