Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.