Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?