Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
