he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
