The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
