Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
