Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
