You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
