not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Sext me about skeletons
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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