help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
