oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
