I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
