My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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