I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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