Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
