At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
