I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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