my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
