Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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