just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
