in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
