Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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