Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
