It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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