Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
