Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i would one night stand the shit outta him
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
