I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
