Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
