can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my shit smells like andre
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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