I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
