i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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